FlickyTailSunrise

So how long have I been in now…. the 19th of December… 9 days and hopefully stopping the count tomorrow – all going well.

Yesterday was not quite so good. Fatigue mainly. Though immensely brightened by a hot sausage bap and my own private charcuterie compliments of my two of my favourite red heads.

Time in here has crystallised the reality of this diagnosis… particularly just how full of fear I am and how fragile it all is if my thoughts reach too far into that unknown.

The strange dichotomy weighs heavy now:  proactively looking ahead to what may be possible, where there may be life, adventure, hope, calm, betwixt and between… to the utter horror of doing that too where I have to hold my breath and fix my cold gaze into the abyss… the whole thing leaves me breathless with desperate hope that there is light in there…

Maybe I’m just not ready to see it yet.

Life.

Just that, the in/out breathing, look at the sky, hold someone’s hand, hear the shuffling of nature, the kindness of a gaze.

Just life.

Hold it.

The focus on the fleeting minutae makes for something less fragile and fearful.

With love